October 19, 2008 - Hitting the Road

The guitar solo ringing from the last of my fantastically fake china product purchases, “sony” headphones certain to only playing in one ear by the time we land, drowns out the hustle and bustle of the boarding passengers. The ragged movements, grunts and last second shouting phone calls heard over the music, however, ensures me that though bound for Australia we are still very much in China; my home for the last 3 years.

Today was a far more challenging day than I had anticipated. Emotionally and physically exhausting simply put. I may have forced myself to believe that I was actually emotionally prepared for this…but I wasn’t. Things got off to an ominous start, I was up as per my usual fall routine listening to the North Carolina Tarheels take on Virginia. As the sun was beginning to peek through my bedroom window to light my last day in China, a stunning comeback victory by the Cavaliers stabbed at my heart and caused my stomach to turn.

Watching or more often listening to games in China is one of the few pleasures I keep that truly remind of where I come from and why America is, despite popular opinion, not such a bas place. It is excruciating, however, to spend an entire night alone in the dark willing your team so desperately to victory only to have defeat ripped from the jaws of victory. The next day is ruined and your nature won’t allow your mind to wander from it for more than a moment or three.

The dull queasiness in my stomach prevented my falling back asleep until a more reasonable hour. I decided to bring a computer along for the trip, so I had struck a deal yesterday to swap my barely functioning 2 and half year old Lenovo for tiny old school fujitsu I could use for word processing and cash considerations. I was trying to back up some files and clean up the drives a bit to get it ready to trade. Ill spare the details, but it soon crashed. Ultimately it would be a non-issue as my trade went fine, but the dull ache of defeat in my stomach would shift to frustration and barely harness able rage. I had hit my the base of my emotional gorge; it was not yet 8 AM.

The emotions regarding my exit from China or at least their presence started becoming clear last Wednesday. It was my last day of work. To be fair, the job was one, though not necessarily the prevailing reason for my need for a change of scenery. I felt a profound sense of sadness as I left the place. I spontaneously sang the theme song from rent on the street (this is not uncommon for me nor most anyone in China) as I headed for a cab and the slow crawl home from work for the last time and felt emotions welling up inside me and I very nearly cried right there on the street. These feelings didn’t and don’t at all make me feel like I am making the wrong decision, but it made it clear that I wasn’t just gonna coast on out.

I’ve been approaching my exit as I deal with most big changes and decisions; I wasn’t. The decision to go ahead and make the move was a long time coming. Once the decision was made except for a few moments of doubt, I was gone, but made very little efforts to take the necessary steps. So naturally, the days leading up today were stressful, busy and one blurred exhausted mess.

After handling the computer trade and getting a massage for good measure to try to calm down, the rest of the day was a paranoid blur of half preparedness. I am always so certain I am forgetting something critical, it consumes me and I have to battle myself to realize I am more prepared than I give myself credit for. I wandered through the same rooms of the small apartment and lists of necessities. By the time I finally had everything ready and climbed aboard the taxi and headed for the airport, my stomached panged as if I had not eaten in weeks, wrapped tightly in emotionally conflicted knots. I chatted cordially with the driver, one of my favorite things to do which served to calm me down.

The plane is now dark, cold tubes a white light shine down here and there and people are settling in for a night of sleep. For me it is certainly to be restless, but I am sure to find some good hours from my sheer exhaustion. As the energy of the plane around settles down, I can begin to feel a bit of calm within myself finally allow the freedom and excitement make it way up through the heavy emotions and preparation paranoia.